Today is the fifth anniversary of this website, so here’s an entirely self-indulgent post about my journey here.
First, I had problems with substance use. The problems were that:
- My girlfriend, relatives, and parents didn’t like that I used drugs.
- I spent so much money on drugs that I didn’t have any left to spend on much else.
- I spent so much time getting high that I wasn’t developing a successful adult future.
- I was clashing with everyone mentioned in point #1 so much that my entire life became about how to do what I want and manage to hide it from all of them, which further kept me from developing a successful adult life.
- I got arrested for buying drugs.
One problem I did not have was “loss of control.” I never felt like I couldn’t control my substance use, or that I wasn’t choosing it myself, or that my want of substances was mysterious. I knew that I did it because I enjoyed it. I knew that I could stop whenever I wanted – but that I didn’t want to. In an extremely poignant experience with my first visit to a drug counselor (as a result of a mini-intervention carried out by well-meaning relatives), I told him that I stopped for a few months (I really had) but went back, because it was the only thing I thought would make me happy. He insisted that I was lying, in denial, out of control, and diseased.
About 6 months later I got arrested buying drugs. My parents found out and arranged to help me legally on the condition that I go to rehab. Rehab (High Watch Farm in Connecticut) was where I learned to be an addict. I was told repeatedly that I “wasn’t done yet” and needed “to hit rock bottom”; that I would graduate from snorting heroin to shooting heroin because “they all do”; that heroin withdrawal was completely unbearable and forces you to do anything to get more drugs (even though I’d gone through it myself countless times, after doing hundreds of dollars worth a day and stopping cold turkey, and just experiencing the sickness, getting through it, and waiting till I piled up some more money to use again); and I was taught all of the horrific tenets of 12 step programs and the recovery culture – that I was powerless, would lose control, had a disease that caused me to do this, that only a miracle from god would help me, et cetera.
I started using again immediately upon leaving there. Began stealing to support my habit. Then about a week later I shot up heroin for the first time. The previous three years of intermittent heroin use before rehab was all nasal or by smoking. I became the picture of a junkie I learned in rehab.
Granted, I chose all of this, but I was also taught all of it by authority figures held up as the experts who could help me. Their teachings were held up as completely necessary if I was to stop my problems. What they really gave me though was not help. They gave me new problems that I didn’t have before rehab:
- The self image of a junkie.
- intolerance to withdrawal.
- Intolerance to any discomfort, which I learned to see as dangerous triggers to drug use.
- Bewilderment.
- Confusion.
- A sense of powerlessness.
- Hopelessness. The belief that my life was doomed to be a living hell.
- The belief that I was forever “hooked” on drugs, and could only live out my life trying to resist them one day at a time, and that my only hope would be to get a miracle from a god I didn’t believe in.
From there, I went on a 5 year journey through various treatment programs, constantly getting worse. It only ended when my parents were demanding I go to another program, and I demanded they find something different, because I was hearing the same thing everywhere and it didn’t help me at all.
They found the Saint Jude Retreat. I went. They told me I didn’t have a disease; that I was in full control; and that much as I had said to the first counselor I visited, that I did it because I thought it was the only way for me to be happy. They taught me that I could change, and be happier without heavy drug use if I tried, and that I wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life “in recovery.” I was sold, and it worked. That was 13 years ago, in the winter/spring of 2002.
I worked at Saint Jude Retreat for 2 years, and moved on to pursue other dreams in the summer of 2005. One of my other dreams was to write my own self-help program like the Saint Jude Program, but without the spiritual content that was in the program at the time (today, that content is no longer in the program). I was able to look past it, but felt it was an unnecessary stumbling block.
As I pursued my other goals, I began to write, and spent 6 years trying to write a book that I thought I could do in less than a year. The thing is, I was doing a ton of research and educating myself on the topic like crazy, and found that I kept changing what I wanted to say. I remained indecisive, kept learning, but never published. I was doing some coaching of people with substance use problems via word of mouth, and using my own writing as education materials. The other goals weren’t going the way I wanted, and I decided that I needed to get my writing to more people, even if I didn’t have a finished book to publish. I had to put myself out there, get feedback, and see if people liked my take.
A blog was the natural next step to take. Thus I began this site on May 6th 2010. First it was on Tumblr, then Blogger, and then WordPress – all within a few months, as I knew nothing about blogging. But I had made myself into a legitimate expert on the topic at that point, because I’d studied thousands of pages of research and written thousands of pages of my own text in an effort to put together my book. So I wrote blogs – it was easy at that point.
Then some people started finding me. Ilse Thompson at the Stinkin’ Thinkin’ blog was an early recommender of my site, and I think she recommended Stanton Peele check out my work. I was of course a huge fan of Stanton’s work, and was flattered when he contacted me, praised my work, and suggested we do some work together helping folks with addiction. I was further flattered when my old friends at Saint Jude’s reached out and suggested we work together too. I was further flattered when a few newspaper reporters used me as a source. I had finally put my work out there to a larger audience, and got a great response.
I got plenty of hate too. The hateful comments and hate mail never stop. The people accusing me of being a huckster never stop. The people accusing me of being dangerous never stop. But I love this topic. I love trying to contribute to our understanding of it. And a year ago, 4 years after I started the blog as an outlet for my frustration of being unable to complete my own book, my work was finally published on paper. I co-authored a massive rewrite of the Saint Jude Program, and had my article debunking the brain disease model published in a school textbook on addiction.
For me, the experience of blogging has been amazing. I now work side by side with who I believe to be the most innovative man in the field, Mark Scheeren of BRI; we’re writing a new blog – http://www.truthaboutaddictions.com ; we’re currently finishing what will be our mass-market book on addiction and recovery that will truly bring our method to the masses; and I present the Saint Jude Program to people on a daily basis. I am actively creating what I think will be our best form of help yet. I can’t give the details now, but I know it will be great, and help us reach the greatest number of people, with the least amount of complications.
I’ve been gratified by those of you who enjoy the articles, and write to me about how you’ve found them helpful, and by everyone who’s shared the site with others. Thank you. My frequency of blog posts has slowed down while I’ve taken on all these other projects, but I’ll keep writing whenever possible.
My passion for solving this problem will never go away. When I chose to believe the mythology of addiction and recovery, I caused myself five years of unnecessary hell. When I chose to stop believing that mythology, I enabled myself to change. I hate that I wasted my time like that, incurred so many more problems and messes along the way, and wasted so much time. I am grateful that I found a way out, and would love to help as many people as possible to avoid the pitfalls of the recovery world, and feel empowered to improve their lives.
Well done on five years. I remember you starting the site up when Stinkin Thinkin was a fast moving blog, and have always been impressed by your content. The more people who put forward sensible ideas and keep away from ranting the better!
I still have my blog http://www.recoveringfromrecovery.com but am also going to be writing for http://www.addiction.com in the near future about alternatives to the 12 step world and hopefully I can do a piece about your work there once that site becomes more established.
I look forward to reading more!
I am experiencing backlash because of this right now. I got clean in rehab when I was 19 years old in 2002 after a spotty history of marijuana, alcohol, and meth usage and stayed clean until I was 30 years old. That is a long time to be completely immersed in the NA/12-step life and live by their rules and their guidelines, including complete abstinence from ALL mood-changing, mind-altering chemicals, sponsorship, working the steps, not developing relationships with people outside the program, training myself to FEAR anything other than the beliefs they hammered into my brain, and many , many more. It has been almost a year since I left and I actually did drink by way of walking out. It was at the end of a terrible abusive relationship that I had gotten into and I honestly just wanted to drown the pain. The next couple of months were really difficult for me and I am sure I did probably drink more than I should have, but I never once felt that “I have to drink, I cant live without it, I cant stop” thing that they had told me over a decade that I WOULD feel. I was simply dealing with all of the emotions of getting myself into a BAD situation with a BAD man that for some reason I thought I loved and that loved me. (I DID meet him in the rooms.) I tried to go back to meetings, but the illusions of what I had believed about the world, myself, the people in the program who “cared” for me, and the program itself were shattered. Since then, I have had to deal with losing almost every single ‘friend’ I had made in the last 12 years of my life. Not all, but just about. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of all this and got married, found a career I love and am good at, moved into a better home, have been successful in every area of life, and life has just gotten better. Despite all this, my old friends only want to talk about ‘ whens the last time you drank’, ‘ when are you going to come back and quit being stupid’, or they flat accuse me of being selfish and delusional or just ignore me completely ( or did when I was still reaching out to them). I drink on occasion and do not feel bad about it in the least, despite their attempts to guilt me. I have probably been drunk 3-4 times in the past year and that includes the lost period of time when I was using the alcohol to deal with the pain. I went to counseling over that and dealt with it mostly on my own since my so-called support group bailed on me. I feel more at peace spiritually and mentally than I have in a long time, although the emotional shock of the people I really did think would be there for me NOT being there has been the most difficult thing about all this. I truly see what I never saw before and almost feel bitter about giving so much of my life and myself to a program that automatically turned its back on me the second I chose to not follow ‘the rules’ for life I had ALWAYS adhered to. So, that is my experience and I am grateful there are others that have left that didn’t suffer the ‘jails, institutions, and death’ ends. I feel like I just grew up. but this process after having “grown up in public in the program” has been a most difficult one, mostly due to the irrational fear others have, like if they really believe I AM truly happy and free, that messes up their whole belief system and outlook on life. Sorry, but it does and that is not my problem. I think the delusion is theirs, not mine. Thank you for your blog. Truly.
For a portion of my life I thought that I was powerless and had no choice in my behavior when I drank or whenever. Alcohol and drug problems are a behavior issue. I got away from AA and started to see a therapist and went to Moderation Management. My drinking is not a focal point of my life but I do enjoy having a few beers. The key word there is few which is 3 or 4. Not 22. Drinking for me was not an everyday thing I just wanted to escape and found that drinking heavily enabled me to do that and engage in behaviors that are not appropriate. I constantly work on my behavior and try to be the best man I can be. Don’t need to go to AA to do that anymore. The disease model of addiction is not working. America needs to wake up and start looking at alternative methods besides AA to help people. The Sinclair method which is a very popular drug in this country called Naltroxone is a good start. But the rehab industry would never consider the possibility of someone moderating there drinking. “God ” forbid they use HARM reduction. Sorry to rant I really enjoyed this site.
I stumbled across your blog just as I was entering the “recovery culture.” About a week after I showed up drunk to a psychiatrist visit and was mandated to a drug treatment IOP, I saw the words “addiction is not a disease, it is a choice.”
I was instantly enraged and wanted to see what foolishness you were spouting.
Then I read your blog.
My life, a year later, is full and moving upward. I had thought if addiction wasn’t a disease, then it was my fault. It wasn’t my fault, but it wasn’t a disease. It was a confluence of circumstances that led me to believe alcohol was able to and successful at making me happy. It may not be my fault, but if I did not like what was happening to me, it was my responsibility to change my circumstances. It was my responsibility to get educated and make choices, and find something better to do with my life, something I would find more rewarding. The idea that the recovery culture thought I was powerless to make my own decisions and change my own life angered me in a way I can’t describe. Living as a part of the trauma victim/survivor community, I knew the very worst, most harmful thing you can do to a vulnerable person is reinforce powerlessness.
For me it was a group of somethings:
I was an agoraphobe. Well, I still am, but I’m learning better ways to cope with it, and I have moved myself INTO the world I was so disconnected from. I found things to do that were enriching, like hobbies, reading, and exercise. I looked for something I could do that would permanently improve the quality of my life. I began to pursue higher education. It had been on my bucket list, but I never felt I could do it. My first semester was 6 summer credits of A. That accomplishment felt so good, was reinforced so strongly by the people I valued that I have continued.
I’m not very far past that awful day in the psychiatrist office chronologically.
It still feels like a lifetime away in life experience.
I did all the work. It’s my accomplishment. Steve, you gave me a good idea. And I’m incredibly grateful.
Don’t lose the blog. People need it to be here too badly.
Take care.
Congrats. I love your blog. Addiction isn’t a true disease but what is it? It seems to defy specificity. Consider the following: severe alcoholics and benzodiazepene (sp?) addicts are at risk of death if their drug is withdrawn. Their choices are 1. Continue taking their drug (hopefully tapering down to stability), 2. Submit to a medical detox procedure or 3. Abstain and risk delerium tremurs and possible death. That sure sounds like a disease.
Admittedly this is an extreme situation but it happens every day in this world. Admittedly, one shouldn’t define situations by the extremes but any theory must explain the extremes as well as the norms to be valid and useful.
Keep up the good work Steven your research is helpful to us all.
When referring to withdrawal, it is important to keep in mind that many drugs require a taper-down to get off of them… such as Prozac and Tegretol, and even some heart an d blood pressure medications.
The need to be weaned off a substance does not necessarily make irs use a disease.
You’re right that a good theory should explain the extremities as well. I don’t think that withdrawal syndromes disprove a choice view of addiction. In fact, you laid some of it out in your comment as you reviewed some of the options available.
First, let’s look at your example where withdrawal can be fatal. Those individuals can, if they choose to do so, taper down to no further usage if they so choose. Many people don’t choose to do that, they choose to keep using the same amount because they want the full effects, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t.
Also, those people who face potential fatal withdrawal can, as you mentioned, get medical assistance. Many of them can get it with no extra cost as part of their insurance coverage or public assistance. Yet many don’t choose to do so. They choose to keep on drinking. Is their behavior of “not getting help with detoxification” a choice or a disease?
I think your thesis is that since they face potential death, then they are forced to keep using to ward off death. But this doesn’t account for the fact that they do not get help that is readily available and quick (usually about 7-10 days if fatal symptoms are a real possibility – or about 3 days if it becomes clear that they aren’t in danger). They are choosing to continue when a solution is readily available. Furthermore, many people detoxify fully, and then they choose to drink or drug at levels that will bring on the same withdrawal syndrome again. What’s that about? Is it choice?
Withdrawal is a separate condition from these repeated choices to drink/drug in costly ways – in the same way that tennis elbow is a separate condition from the repeated choice to play tennis – or gonorrhea is a separate condition from the repeated choice to have unprotected sex with many partners whose health is unknown. You will find that not only do I put withdrawal syndrome in it’s own bucket separate from “addiction” , but even NIDA and other purveyors of the disease model of addiction also categorize it as being different than addiction.
Withdrawal doesn’t force people to use – it forces them to suffer the effects of withdrawal, that is, the effects of their body finding homeostasis without the substance they had become acclimated to. In the 70’s, my friend’s father had suffered seizures in withdrawal several times, and the hospital he went to used small amounts of alcohol to assist with detox. The final time he detoxified, he swore off alcohol altogether, and refused to take another drop no matter what, even knowing that he could seize up and died. He seized up and died. If withdrawal forced use, then he would’ve drank, and would’ve survived.
Withdrawal is a bonafide medical condition for which there are reliable medical solutions. The choice to use substances or not and at extreme levels and frequency is a choice for which no medical solution is even possible.
Very good points, all. Of course we all have choices even if we are afflicted with real diseases like cancer or diabetes. In my opinion (and its just an opinion but I choose to keep myself informed on these issues) in certain situations the problem is much more complicated than simply making the right choices. The choices are very complicated or so the neuroscientists tell us. The brain is changed by substance abuse in ways that are similar to the changes brought about by learned behaviors, conditioned responses and compulsions. The brain is the only tool we have to pull ourselves out of the substance abuse trap. To say their behavior is a choice for all substance abusers is to say all abusers know and believe its a choice and that they have the resources available to help them succeed. A whole host of questions arise: in my example above is medical detox available? Well yes in this country but what about India? Is tapering down really a valid option? It can be very tricky and death can result. Can it be done? Yes but think of the practical problems. One could move too fast and die or too slow and stay intoxicated. And dont forget the enormous psychology issues. Weaning yourself off alcohol causes enormous anxiety. The choice can then be: do I continue the process and fight through the terror or give in to the sweet seduction of my substance and the (temporary) piece of mind it brings. After the abuser has failed to wean themselves several times it would be very human to lose confidence and stop trying.
I am just not happy with calling substance abuse a choice. I prefer to call it an ingrained habit, a conditioned response or perhaps even a compulsion.
Steven keep up the good work. I must tell you I discovered your blog when I chose to conquer my alcoholism and the information I found here was tremendously helpful. I gained confidence that the disease ‘concept’ was largely false and gained the confidence needed to make my choice sucessful for the last 4 years.
Thank for your insight and your scholarship.